INTRODUCTION
From April 14, 2008 - April 20, 2008, we were privileged to have Sue William Silverman, the author of Love Sick, as our guest on the message board for comments,
questions, and answers. This record of Ms. Silverman's insights on various
subjects will greatly enhance your understanding of both the movie and the book.
Note: To protect privacy, personal references by participants on the MB have been omitted.
For Reference: Q = Question
C = Comment
A = Answer
THE MOVIE/THE BOOK
Q) Given how difficult it is to condense years into a 2-hour movie, what aspect/part/message of your story do you hope for most, that the movie will adequately convey to the audience? - Laurie
A/SUE) There are probably two main points I hope the movie, and my story, convey--and which I think are conveyed. One- how destructive this addiction is, emotionally and spiritually. But at the same time, secondly I hope people understand that there is help and hope out there...that you don't have to stay mired in the addiction. There is a way out of that dark place of addiction. I mean, in a nutshell, these are the main points I hope people learn from my story.
C/SUE) It means so much to me that you all liked the movie. I've been reading everyone's comments, and I'm deeply touched. I am also touched by the movie. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I feel the actors, the director--everyone--portrayed my story with true emotional authenticity. I felt so connected to Sally Pressman, who played me. (Oh, and of course DJE did an amazing job!)
C) I'm so happy you are pleased with the movie, Sue!......that says so much. There is so much here that was not in the book, it was quite a surprise to me - CindyG
A/SUE) Yes, I know.....and a lot of time had to be compressed, too. For example, the orderly in the hospital: in the book, I had more space to write about him, whereas a movie is only 2 hours (less with commercials). But it was still quite accurate to my life. I spent 3 days with the scriptwriter,talking about other things in my life that weren't in the book. For example, the anniversary party for my parents really happened, but I've never written about it. (By the way, that was me in the party scene, the person who took the photograph!!) And, in the book I spend a lot more time with the therapist and the other women on the unit. So, yes, there are definite differences, but I feel that the movie really captured my story.
C) This was an awesome movie which treated a very private subject with great sensitivity - SallyS
Q) I agree, it took great courage for you to not only write the book, but also have it produced into a movie for all to see. Did you get to meet DJE? - Bernadette
A/SUE) Thank you for your support. No I didn't meet DJE. But I feel he did an amazing job of portraying Rick. Emotionally he was very authentic.
C) Know from your web site that Love Sick was like a Part 2/sequel for you, relating to your first book. Maybe there's a Part 3/continuing-journey type of book for you to write? - AJ
A/SUE) Yes, my first memoir ("Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You") is really about growing up in my incestuous family. Then Love Sick, as you know, focuses on the sexual addiction and recovery. I'm actually writing two new books right now. One is to help women write their own stories--both about the craft of writing and the importance of women's stories/voices. The other is an essay collection which ironically!!--on some level--is kind of about the everyday journey that you mention. I'm close to finishing both books.
SEX AS AN ADDICTION
C) I have never thought about someone with this particular addiction. Like most real stories, I feel deeply for the person who can't stop something, even though they know it is wrong. What a struggle that must have been, knowing all the risks she was taking - Kathy
C) It is a very sad situation. I guess, like any addiction, unless we are directly in it, we cannot understand the need to take such risks - JoanD
A/SUE) Some of these issues (sexual, body image, intimacy, etc.) are things that many women struggle with, not just sex or love addicts. I don't know.....These can all be tough issues, aren't they? Though for some (like me!) more difficult than others! You know, anyone, from any economic class, any religion, any walk of life, can suffer from this addiction. Too, it's important to know that NO ONE is born a sex addict, just like no one is born an alcoholic. Something scary or bad happens to us as kids, that makes us turn to an addiction. (For me, it was because my father sexually molested me.) And, yes, many, many addicts can, for years, seem "perfect" on the outside. But this seeming perfection really is a facade that masks the addiction. It's like leading a double life.
Q) How common is it for victims of child sexual abuse to become sex/love addicts? (Seems it would tend) to make the child grow up into someone who doesn't really enjoy sex or want it that much, if at all - nancyeddy
A/SUE) The thing is, sex addiction doesn't have much, if anything, to do with sex, in that it's just using sex like a drug to numb out. Plus, its about power and control. I never cared about the sex. I mainly just felt high, powerful and in control, knowing that a man wanted me. I read somewhere that 100% of women in the porn industry were sexually molested as children. And the flip side of acting out sexually is also part of the mix, in that there are women who are sexually anorexic, who do, as you suggest, stay away from it. But that's not healthy, either. So these women are also considered sex addicts. It's complicated, isn't it?
PARENTS
Q) Sharing these most intimate parts of your life took real courage, and, I'm betting, will help others to get the help they need. Do you have any contact with your parents? - clr
A/SUE) Both of my parents are dead now. They actually died just a few years after the time frame of Love Sick.
Q) Was your mother aware of what your father did to you, or do you know? - Lee
A/SUE) Yes, she did know about it. She was too weak and unhealthy to stop it. I'm fairly certain that she was sexually molested as a child, and my father was molested as a child, too. All very sad, you know? My father was very successful. I think men who are "powerful" in the world feel more invincible, and that they'll never get caught. Of course, all that success is so false. It means nothing. In my family, this seeming perfection just hid the fact that my father was a child molester.
Q) You are one brave lady! Were you ever able to forgive your parents--either before or after their passing? There still seems to be an underlying sadness to your "voice"--hope I'm wrong - Granny/Jean
A/SUE) My parents never asked to be forgiven, so I can't say that I've forgiven them as such. But that DOESN'T mean that I remain mired in what happened. I have forgiven myself (for acting out in the addiction), and I've worked through the feelings in both therapy and writing. That's interesting that you hear an "underlying sadness" to my voice. And this is kind of complicated. I mean, on most levels, I've really continued to grow. I'm working on a new book. I'm teaching writing to graduate students. I have a wonderful partner, and some terrific friends. But that said, to really think about these events is sad. But sadness isn't bad!! I mean, it's fine for me to feel sad, as that's an appropriate emotion. And it means I don't have to act out anymore to numb the sadness. So this is all good! But I'm very touched by your noticing this and saying something about it.
HUSBAND
Q) How does Sue's husband react to her going into rehab for sex addiction? - Kathy
C) From where I am in the book, her husband thinks she is in rehab for an eating disorder - CindyG
C) Cindy, you are correct. Her therapist wants her to tell her husband, but as of the end of the book, she didn't - spudz
C) I hated that the husband was so unsympathetic, angry with him for not supporting her more, even if he did think it was just an eating disorder - nancyeddy
C) He was obviously detached from her - jenks
C) He seemed clueless about the real problem - Dottieb
C) He seemed emotionally unavailable - mkim
Q) How did your husband react to the truth when it came out? From the portrayal in the movie, it appears there were issues beyond the sex addiction. I was wondering if he understood? - CindyG
A/SUE) This may sound strange, but on some level I'm not really altogether sure I fully understood how my husband (now ex-husband) reacted to the sex addiction, etc. I mean, he was so shut off from his feelings, I honestly feel I never knew him. Which is kind of scary to think about. Oh, intellectually, I guess he kind of understood it. But he's very emotionally shut down, so I'm not sure we ever had a really open emotionally authentic conversation. There were also times he was angry with me, as portrayed in the movie. But even his anger was kind of distant. Oh, so much of this is sad. It's not as if I hate any of these people, more I feel a profound sadness. Many "lost" lives. That's what addiction is about.
FRIENDS
Q) Were you and your co-worker ever able to mend fences? Early in the movie she appeared to be a true friend with a genuine interest in your well being - Granny/Jean
Q) Did your friends, family, co-workers accept you, knowing about your addiction, or did you have to find a new circle of people? Who gave you the most support? - ED
A/SUE) In terms of my "real" friends, they all stuck by me and were wonderful, and are still my friends. But since quite a few of my friends were also addicts, I had to leave those people, because it wouldn't have been safe for me to remain with them. I have two long-time women friends who gave me enormous support. Then, the women I met in rehab were absolutely instrumental in helping me get where I am today. As you might imagine, it's been amazing for them to be on this journey with me now. They had the same therapist, so it's just been incredible for us to journey through this together.
RICK/OTHER PARTNERS
Q) Is Rick supposed to be a sex addict, too? - mj
C) Yes, but not looking to be helped, like Sue, the author - CarolC
C) I think the simple answer is yes. However, I think he was in a very different place than Sue was. She didn't go into a lot of Rick's background in the book, but my feeling is his addiction had not become as debilitating as Sue's. He was apparently still "functioning", where Sue was not - CindyG
C) I agree. From what I've read and heard, Sue does not lead a normal life at all. Her addiction is totally consuming, where Rick could have pretty much a normal life, still at his job, and still have his addiction. - SueT
A/SUE) Hi, I'm Sue Silverman, the author of the book, Love Sick. I've been in touch with Cindy, who let me know about this discussion, which is very interesting. Yes, I do provide some (of Rick's background) in the book. But just like Rick, I was still trying to keep up appearances. I mean, I was seemingly functioning: I had friends, a job, a husband. It's just that I hit bottom and finally sought help, whereas Rick never did. In other words, I was living a double life. On the surface I could seem quite normal--just like Rick. But that seeming normalcy was a facade for the addiction.
Q) Did you have more of a "relationship" with Rick than the 'others'. The previews seem to indicate that, so wondering if it is dramatic license or actuality? - Kathy
A/SUE) Yes, I did have much more of a relationship with him than any of the others. In reality, it went on for at least a year. So that is an actuality. From what I've seen in the clips, it all seems very authentic. For example, both Sally Pressman and David James Elliott read my book before filming, so they became very familiar with my story, you know, emotionally as well as factually. Plus, I spent some time talking with Sally.
Q) I hope I'm not being pushy, but if your relationship with Rick lasted for a a year, during that time other than your spouses, were you exclusive to each other? - SueT
A/SUE) You're not being pushy! Not to worry. I think it is natural to have questions about this addiction! During that time, yes, I was exclusive with Rick...though I was "tempted" by this man who worked on the rehab unit. I mean, I got confused--to make a long story short. But I think there were a couple of times when Rick wasn't exclusive with me. But I'm not totally sure.
Q) Was the time line with regard to Rick and the Frenchman and the guy in the bar correct? I seem to recall you said you were exclusive to Rick. Did Rick's problem cause him to eventually lose his job and his family? Did his wife ever find out about you before they divorced? - Kathy
A/SUE) Yes, given the 2-hour format of a movie, the time line was condensed. I was actually with Rick and the French guy at different times. You know, all movies kind of have to condense action and time sequences-- even books do, on some level. That said, though, emotionally it was quite authentic, in that it was the combination of the two of them--close together-- that caused me to hit bottom. Does that make sense? Yes, Rick's problem caused him to lose his job and family. And, yes, his wife did find out about us. This is what pretty much led to their ultimate divorce. I think they tried to work it out for a while, but ultimately, since Rick didn't change, they divorced.
Q) What was your purpose in going to Rick's home? - SallyS
A/SUE) Kind of for two reasons. One is that what I was REALLY searching for was a family, that kind of safety I didn't have as a child. But since I was so confused about how to go about that (needless to say), I felt that I could simply be friends with Rick's wife--almost be a part of his family--AND have an affair with Rick. I mean, I was just so lost and lonely. I didn't know how to find real love. I thought Rick would love me if I had sex with him, while at the same time, I simply wanted a "real" family. Oh, sorry, it's so much more complicated than that, but I hope this makes some sense.
Q) About how you broke things off with Rick --- in the movie when he takes your picture, I have the feeling that he thinks you are coming back to him. Did he understand where you were going and why? Did you two ever have any "relationship" other than sex? Were you ever friends who would talk about things in general, your problems, likes, dislikes - just stuff? - Kathy
A/SUE) Yes, Rick did think I'd be back with him after I returned from the hospital. Yes, he pretty much knew why I was going into rehab, but I don't think he really "bought" into it. I mean, his denial was such, that he wouldn't have really accepted it. On the face of it, yes, we did have a kind of relationship other than sex, in that we talked about lots of different things, like many friends would. That said, though, on some level none of these conversations really meant anything, because, being addicts, we weren't emotionally authentic with each other.
Q) I was appalled at the guy at the clinic trying to seduce (you)---taking advantage of a patient like that! Did that really happen? Did you report him? After your recovery, how were you able to recognize the difference between a healthy relationship and the old kind? - Dottieb
A/SUE) Yes, the guy at the clinic was very scary. Ultimately, yes, I reported him. In the book I spend a lot of time writing about him, and I also write about how I eventually reported him to my therapist. He got fired immediately--he was a dangerous man! And yes, I now can recognize the difference! I'm in a very loving and emotionally connected relationship. He's a wonderful man! Now when I see the kinds of men with whom I used to act out, I actually feel bored!
TREATMENT
C) I really wish we had been able to see more of how you came through this. It also would have been interesting to know a bit more about the other women in the group - mkim
C) At first I felt the same--wanting more of how Sue came through it. We did see that the problem can be treated, and that she got help. Felt her struggles, and saw her victory in the end. Perhaps just as important, was the time the movie gave to graphically showing how subtle and gradual addiction is, and to realize the value of early recognition - AJ
C) Where she was crying in the shower, and they came to take her out of there--that scene was very heart wrenching. I was proud of her when she said no to the orderly. Great presentation of the story - JoanC
A/SUE) Yes, I hear what you're saying. It's so tough to compress so much into 2 hours. I mean, my book is about 300 pages, so there's just more space to develop things in writing.
C) There were so many different moments in the movie that were moving, but for me, the one that made the biggest impact was the one where you met your therapist for the first time. When you won't speak, and he hands you a pen and paper and tells you to write it down......and you put......"help me"......that to me was huge - spudz
A/SUE) I'll never forget the moment when I wrote that note to my therapist, and he wrote back. I still have that note! It moves me that it moved YOU. On a very personal note, I'll share with all of you that my therapist died, very young, just a few years ago. I am still so sad about this. And it's difficult for me to come to terms with this. I miss him so much. I always will. He was the most amazing therapist and person. He really helped me save my life. I can't imagine where I'd be without him. He was even the one who encouraged me to write my story. I just still miss him.
C) How sad! -- I'm so sorry for your loss. I can imagine that you must miss him terribly. I imagine he would be so incredibly proud of you and where you are - CindyG
A/SUE) Thank you so much for your condolences about the death of my beloved therapist. Yes, I know he'd be proud of me. He was just the best. And, as in the movie, he attended a reading I gave when my book was
published. He was like the "good" father I'd always wanted, there in the audience, cheering me on. I will just always love and miss him. And, of course, in many ways he's always with me.
Q) (When) one of the woman left the therapy group early, did the Staff ignore it, present it as a failure, or use a positive spin to somehow encourage the rest? Were you focused on your own process and not let it bother you, or you feel it effected your own chances? Are there principles you've brought from Recovery that are now helpful with everyday life? - AJ
A/SUE) Everyone was upset when (she) left group early. It's scary, knowing someone is unsafe out there. And we all talked about it and processed it. I can't say the Staff would have presented it as a "failure", as such, in that relapse is part of recovery. And everyone pretty much relapses. But it's definitely sad and scary. But, mainly, it's important to stay focused on your own recovery and stay connected with the other women who are likewise working hard to get better. But, sure, there are set-backs, relapses. But for most of us, it's not like going back to Square 1. You just start moving forward again. What's been particularly helpful is the importance of staying in touch with my feelings. To not be afraid of feeling pain or sadness--that these feelings can't "kill me", so there's no reason to act out to numb them.
THANK YOU'S!
C) Thank you, Sue, for your candor - Bernadette
C) I admire your courage to go public with what is a very private addiction. Thank you for having the courage to face your problem, conquer it, and then share the message with us all - clr
C) It was incredibly brave of you to share this part of your life - SallyS
C) I can't imagine living the way you did, and think you are a special woman to have conquered your demons, taken such a fragmented life and turned it around. The movie was uplifting and hopeful - Kathy
C) The things you said at the end were very uplifting, and could help many people with a lot of problems, not just sex addiction - Susan Major
C) At the end the tears were flowing. Thanks for your courage - NancyR
C) I applaud you for sharing your story. This took courage and strength. This was a well done project, and I hope it helps others with the problem - JoanC
FROM SUE
I'm very appreciative of your support and understanding. This truly means a great deal to me. Thank you all for so many wonderful comments. I'm very touched by your thoughtful reactions. Yes, the scars are deep and can last a long time. But
there is help and hope out there. And I think it's important for all of us women to know that we're not alone. All these messages from all of you are really helping me process this myself! Thank you! I've enjoyed meeting so many of you.
