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Smoke Magazine, Summer Issue 2007

Almost  Innocent

Consummate nice-guy David James Elliott has made his trajectory to success look deceptively easy, but is it all a convincing rouse? Can anyone actually escape Hollywood’s ego-inflating trance and live to tell about it?

By Adam Mimeles

Never trust a man with three first names. By all accounts, the story of David James Elliott is one of a bad boy gone good. The Canadian punk rocker turned actor takes his northern good looks to Los Angeles where he immediately finds success. He becomes the lead character on one of the longest running shows in television history and obtains fame and fortune, yet remains the same, modest Canadian who moved from Toronto to L.A. in 1990. He vacations at one of his four houses in the Bahamas and fishes off his 36-foot boat, Cuban cigars in hand. His own life could be a movie if it weren't so perfect. But to all this I say...bullshit!

It can't be that neat, that genteel, that...Canadian. It's got to be a front for something more sinister. There must be more to David James Elliott, if that is his real name. I'm a cynical New Yorker and I'm not buying it. Alright, fine: I live in New Jersey, but you get my point. Geographical semantics aside, I'm here to expose David James Elliott not as a family man, triathlete, and portrayer of the righteous he seems to be, but as the cigar smoking charlatan he most certainly must be when no one is looking. Example: He says things like, "It helps to have money if you're gonna smoke Cubans;" "I can be a compulsive guy. I can go two, three, sometimes four a day."

This article is about more than good looking actors and cigars. This article will bust the lid off not just David James Elliott, but every pretend-to-be-modest, Mark Messier wannabe, have-it-all Canadians poseurs, once and for all.

Did I mention he's Canadian? They just can't all be so postcard-perfect. Are you telling me from theentertainment blitzkrieg from the great white north in the pst generation (watch how fast you can actually come up with three ot five insanely talented Canadians), Pam Anderson is the only one worthy of the paparazzi?

After dropping out of high school to pursue a rock career, returning to graduate, then announcing he was going to acting school, Elliot's parents thought, "this kid is going to be a complete and total disaster," Elliot explains. "Then, my dad came to my final performance in theatre school, he came backstage and said, 'you know, I thought you were out of your mind and wasting your time, but you're doing the right thing. Go for it'. That meant a lot to me." So it's not just a job? "This is my craft, amn. It's a business, but I didn't go into it as a line of work, because that would be insane." Or perhaps part of an insane plan.

My theory is that this whole veneer of Canadian down-to-earthiness is just a façade for some sort of evil plot coming straight from Celine Dion and her acolytes (minions, too), and David James Elliott - finalist to play James Bond - is their poster child. I mean, come on: he looks just like the guy whose picture comes when you buy a frame. I don't know if the Canadians are trying to take over Hollywood, America, or the world, but I'm onto them. It's always the quiet ones.

My first Clue? Cigars. He knows 'em. He smokes 'em. Cubans. Lots of 'em. Hoyo de Monterrey Epicure No. 2's; Cohiba Siglo VI's, Montecristos...you name it.

He quit smoking cigarettes while on the set of "The Untouchables" but started puffing cigars, "and somebody hooked me up with some Cubans and I went 'wow, what a difference'." Good thing all his beach houses are in the Bahamas.

Since he was able to smoke cigars on-screen when doing "JAG", CBS picked up the tab (not knowing they were Cubans). Then the PC thugs complained about cigars on TV (and CBS figured out they were contraband) so, "I had to go into the closet, as it were. So much for the free Cubans." Gaming the system, sticking it to the man. Not your average Canadian move. Cigars may be Elliot's tell. And cigars are so aggressive, a trait only useful to a Canadian when playing hockey. Elliot said it himself, "You don't look too tough holding a skinny little panatela, but if you got a double corona going, that's the guy you gotta look out for." He also warns they're, "not for everyone. A lot of guys can't handle it, they don't have the stomach for it." He later recommends I take double coronas on my fishing trip next month. Hmm.

What time is too early to light up the first cigar of the day? This, of course, is a trick question. Elliot says it's never too early. This either means he's the wolf in sheep's clothing I always suspected of those shifty Canucks or he's just sucking up because he knows I'm working for Smoke. Shifty Canuck.

Another hint he's a front for some vast plot for Canadian world domination (which may or may not involve flannel): he's the middle of three brothers. As the youngest of three brothers myself, I know first hand the middle never has his fingerprints on the murder weapon, but guess who ordered the hit? Elliot claims he was usually the perpetrator, egged on by his older brother. Not smart enough to be the puppeteer, only the puppet, eh? This runs deeper than I thought.

Finally, there's the Swagger. Not a temporary "I'm smoking a really good cigar and there's no place else in the world I'd rather be" swagger; I'm talking an "I can smoke cigars and run triathlons, full-blown, music boppin' in your head all the time, capital 'S'" Swagger. It seems clear David James Elliott, or DJE to the DJE Estrogen Brigade (website no longer active, sorry to say), walks around like this all the time. How gauche. Consider his own optimism in staying the course, even when a buddy he'd first arrived in Los Angeles with tossed in the towel. "I came with a friend who went back home after a little while of not making it and he said, 'you gonna stay 'til the bitter end?'" I said "Jonny, I don't think the end's gonna be bitter."

He enjoyed his days on "90210". "It was cool. I played a sex- and drug-addicted guy. I based it on my early childhood. It was fun to play that character on that show." There must be at least one on-set story that hasn't been told yet, DJE. But apparently all has already been laid bare by E! Entertainment. "There were some personalities who thought they were on the fast rocket to superstardom so they were a little less friendly, but the people I worked with had not lost their mind."

What? His was born David William Smith? Well, I'm still onto something. Never trust a man who changes his name to three first names.

He married a fellow Canadian (who became a citizen on September 10, 2001) and they're both U.S. citizens? Yeah, yeah. Agents 86 and 99 always pretended to be married. I know they show reruns of "Get Smart" up there. All part of Ottowa's master plan. And why'd you become a U.S. citizen, Mr. Pretend-to-be-a-lawyer-on-every-show? "So I could vote," says DJE in all sincerity. Puh-lease! That's the first Canadian-like answer he's given me, but he stole it from The Breakfast Club so it doesn't count.

Once he realized "JAG" would be successful, he knew he could continue to smoke cigars in the lifstyle to which he had become accustomed. "In the third season, everyone makes money so they don't mind sharing the wealth."

Unfortunately for me, Elliot checks out. Even on the classified government websites I am able to hack into. No sex scandals, late night mugshots, contract holdouts, or on-set tantrums. Nothing about him on any of the cool kid websites. There ws an unconfirmed rumor of a drunken tirade against a key grip with too much facial hair, but who doesn't wanna let loose on the odd key grip every now and then.

But what about the love scenes? Elliot says he's not a big fan. "I find them a little odd...cause they're not real." Now he's got me totally flabbergasted.

Maybe I can press the cigar angle some more.

"I don't like to hang out in those cigar bars because it's too smoky. I like to smoke outside." Elliot finds it tough to work cigars into scenes on TV because of how they shoot television. "I'd wind up using up a lot of good cigars or smoking a lot of crap cigars." I must test him on the real acting range of a cigar. "Tough guys smoke cigars. The bigger the cigar, the tougher you are." Fair enough, but are you more scared of a guy with a lit or unlit cigar? Personally, I gotta go with Clint Eastwood chomping on an unlit cigar. "He's someone to be concered with" Elliot admits. "Why isn't he lighting it? But I'm more afraid of the guy with the lit cigar, because he's difinitely got stones. If it's a Cuban, I'm even more concerned."

I picture of all 6 foot, 5 inches of Elliot fishing the Caribbean on his 36 foot boat, smoking a Cuban double corona as the sun sets, and realize he could be the next Bond. I guess if I were him, I wouldn't just swagger. I'd be an asshole. I'm pretty sure I'm one now. But not David James Elliott.

The past hasn't yielded much for my theory. What of his present whereabouts? He just finished playing James Conlon on CBS's "Close to Home" which, unfortunately, will not be returning this fall. He likes the schedule of doing television because "it gives me more time to smoke cigars," but he's getting a "little tired of that lawyer thing. I'd like to stretch out a little, maybe play a cop," he says dryly. "I'd like to play a badass. They're pretty fun to do. I had a long run on "JAG" so I don't feel like I have to jump at everything that comes my way." He enjoys the collaborative process in television. "I've always had a say in my characters and if the producers are smart, they'll listen to what someone else has to offer."

And what does the future look like? "Someone once told me, 'Don't just be a fucking actor,'" and he's taken that advice to heart. Elliott has a production company, Firefly Productions, where he writes and produces screenplays, reality shows, and Net content ("following the advertising dollar"). At this point he is nothing if not prolific. "You run with whatever idea happens to land in your brain from the ether and develop it. Maybe someone might dig it." Still, he is practical and seasoned enough to know the reality of his own world. "You can't put a finger on what's commercial and what's not anymore. It's not always about what the best idea is, because they don't always land on the screen."

He wants to direct more as well, though not purely for artistic reasons. "When you're not on camera, you can smoke cigars more. Sitting at the monitor, watching the actors, smoking a Cohiba. And no one will say anything 'cause I'm the boss."

He has no dark side as a writer or producer, instead looking for things that inspire people. Exhibit number one is Elliot's most recent movie, The Man Who Lost Himself, a true story about Terry Evanshen, a Canadian Football League star wide receiver in the 60's and 70's (think Fred Biletnikoff without the stickum), who fell into a coma after a near-fatal car crash. Evanshen wakes up having no recollection of his family or anything else in his life. Despite lingering trauma and memory loss, Evanshen becomes a stirring motivational speaker across Canada. As if the subject matter wasn't heavy enough, Elliot's brother died the day before filming started. It was a speial movie for him, and he won rave reviews, including from Evanshen himself. My theory of Elliot as a pawn in Canada's grand plans now seems flimsier than a wet panatela.

Elliot's got bank, original ideas, and the ability to roll with the changes in the entertainment industry. As long as he can stop playing lawyers (proving we all pay a price for our lot in life), it will all be perfect. He likes the give and take of character development. "peelin' the onion, as it were." And he doesn't really want to be the next James Bond; he wants to be the next iteration of James Bond. A bold statement, but he seems to be the one star these days most capable of handling the job.

So after thorough investigation, I can only conclude that Elliot is a perfect human being with the perfect life. He's genuinely nice guy with success, his priorities in order and an appreciation for the finer things in life. And there aren't any people in this world who say an unkind word about him. And that silence speaks volumes.

But consider yourself warned, David James Elliott. I will be watching. And waiting. It may take months, it may take years, but when your true colors finally show, I will be there, Macanudo in hand, to gloat. And then your thread unravels, the carefully woven fabric of faux Canadian modesty will be in tatters, the shrapnel extending from here to Saskatoon. Until then, if anyone deserves a celebratory smoke for his accomplishments both as an actor and as a person, it's David James Elliott. He'll have one. Hell, he'll have one for both of us.

Gotta run. I'm off to investigate Eugene Levy.

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